After having badly bruised or sprained my toe in another half-witted and clumsy accident Tom and Jerry styley, I was unable to follow my usual sporting pursuits for most of the week so decided it would be a great idea to cycle to Big Sair’s for a glass or two of Pimms a couple of nights ago. Me and my great ideas!
A lovely summer evening, an eight mile round trip in full safety gear by appointment of my newly cycling proficient daughter sprat – what could possibly go wrong? How lovely it all was on the way there and would have remained so had I remembered two things. Firstly, the rural road has virtually no street lights at all for the most part, and secondly, my pathological fear – the dark. The pitch black, can’t see your hand in front of your face dark. As I cycled home, my anxiety, shortly to turn to utter terror, was compounded by my utterly deficient bicycle lights.
The front light would not point straight. It started off facing due east which was just dandy if I was turning right, and entirely useless in any other direction. I cycled frantically until I reached a lone street light and then jiggled around with it until I made it much worse. It now pointed skywards like something from Stalag 13, illuminating the treetops which was frankly bugger all help. Thank god for my life long obsession with chowing on carrots I thought, my night vision should be tremendous. What utter bollocks. I couldn’t see a damn thing but sensed danger everywhere. In one particularly dark, dark bit of the road I could feel my bottom lip begin to wobble. And I wanted my Dad. Tragically, all that I had to defend myself against any would be assailants, monsters or giant badgers was a two kilo bag of rhubarb freshly hewn from BS’s neighbour’s garden.
While being no Bradley Wiggins, my journey time home was rather fast. I burst into the kitchen, burst into tears, clutching my rhubarb and feeling about eight years old.
What a soft lass I am.
Mrs Mackerel x
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